I wish to write this entry for my amazing boyfriend. Part of me wanted to hold back because it might seem like I'm bragging or being a little over the top, but I want others to know that he really is so amazing and I'm very grateful for him! I'm not the easiest person in the world, and well....courting/engagement is not the easiest thing either! But through all our hard times, he has remained consistently supportive, loving and helps me learn. He is a strong member of our church which I really admire and love about him and I take security in this knowing he will always strive to do whats right. He is amazingly smart, sometimes I'm jealous :P and I try to learn as much as I can to be at his level, but honestly, its not about levels. He helps me want to be a better person.
I love him! :D

Quick Update

I haven't updated my blog in a long time so I thought I would tonight. :)
So far, school has been....well plenty of work and then some. So far I have finished a few presentations and had a couple exams with some A's which I am happy about, and I look for the future exams to produce the same results! :D As long as I get to studying..... ;) my motivation has been on overkill lately, just because at times I feel overwhelmed, but it will be done and I am working with the most strength I have to get things done. :)

As for other things, Flo spoke with the german government with regards to paperwork, etc for getting our marriage on the road. I have some documents to get from the US government and then it looks like I will be going back this March to start intense german classes and look for a job. On one side I am nervous as heck! but the other side I am excited! :D

This Christmas, Flo will be here though, in about 6 weeks from this week! :D He arrives in on the 17th of Dec. and will stay until New Years Day. We have lots of fun stuff planned, and I will get plenty of pictures.

Please watch this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KYhDhiojBPA

A Poem for my Love that I wrote

For you, The One I Love

a poem written by me :

I knew from the moment I saw your face,

I had to get to know you in a haste.

I knew for sure that this wasn't wrong,
for the spirit at once spoke to me so strong.

I'll never forget the day when I first met you,
my heart swelled, and I knew what the Lord commanded me to do.
It wasn't easy, I know, at first...
Especially after eating that currywurst ;)
But the way you loved and held me near,
My love for you then became so clear.

I admire your talents that are simply amazing,

which have kept my motivation blazing.

I look forward to the day in dancing side by side,

That day will reward me and my heart with such pride!! :)

You have so many qualities that I desire,

For I know, never a day that comes, will I ever tire.

Sometimes months, sometimes days,
The Lord works in such mysterious ways.

During these times, I've been stretched to use my trust,

However, faith in these times is simply a must.

Darling, I know with our love and persistance,

It's definetly possible to conquer this time and distance.

My love for you has grown in doubles,

Even when I seem to create some troubles.

As long as we keep this love for eternity,

Our spirits as one will be blessed with prosperity.

Your patience and love has seen me through,

I promised once, and always will, give my heart to you.

I love you.

3 Random Thoughts of the Day

#1. Why do people from here think that Europeans don't take showers?! I have smelled more people in the last 3 weeks being here in Utah than I have in a whole year in Europe!!! It's almost like these people don't believe in deodrant, don't believe they smell, have gotten used to the smell, or just don't care. All of the above is gross, period.

#2. I was thinking today, if Utah would spend more money on more public transportation, wouldn't they be actually saving the economy and enviornment like 2 times over? We are spending so much money on rebuilding roads that keep getting torn up. (A utah favorite past-time for some reason..) when our buses are only going until 6pm at night!! ????

#3. I've been feeling really anxious lately, and not really for one particular reason!! I could barely focus today in school! Maybe its because I just need to get more sleep! I also started to exercise again with my first workout today! I feel great! I'm sure I'll feel it in the morning, but its good to get back into running and stuff. :)

Update on my Life

I thought I would give a little update on how my adjustment back into Utah has been going. So far, its been now 3 weeks tonight that I landed back into Salt Lake, and man, did I have a shock coming back! Of course I am American, of course I know my culture, but I forgot a- LOT of things that go on here since I was away and I could literally see the culture in front of me!

In the first week I would say, it was the hardest. Not only because of jet-lag (which did plague me for the first two weeks actually and surprisingly) but because I was having to re-learn or get used to things that were drastic. It might sound funny, but I actually felt uncomfortable around everyone speaking english! It was weird! Obviously I liked that if I had a dire need, I could express that with someone understanding right away, but it just felt strange being able to speak to anyone and everyone!! I still to this very day feel at ease a bit more when I hear german instead of english. *strange*

I have been excited though to spend time with friends that I haven't seen in so long! Only thing is..... I gotta stop eating out with them! haha There isn't much to do here in utah, but go eat somewhere so I will stop. I feel like I have gained about 10 pounds back since I have been here, but I am probably exaggerating a little...my jeans still fit me, only a little tight so I gotta start exercising again and I promise I don't eat out too often!! In fact, the first week I ate out 3 days in a row and then nothing at all until 2 days ago. Anyway, its very important to me to keep slim since it was really a great feeling! I have been seeing a doctor for my back and neck and I feel a little more confident in going running. I will probably just go on a treadmill though so its consistantly even ground for me. You know, I am sure that the reason I am eating so much anyway is emotional.....it's hard leaving someone you love so much! I miss him every single day!! So sometimes I eat when I'm sad...but this is stopping!!!! :D (the eating part of course....I will still miss him of course!)

Anyway, the good news is I am feeling much better about things. I have a job now, that is actually pretty sweet! I can read my homework, listen to my ipod and pretty much do whatever all alone in a little booth and take tickets from people and money! haha I really like it and so far have gotten alot of reading done too! :D

I have a WAY busy schedule though. A typical week goes like this:

Monday and Wednesdays are usually class in the morning, work in the afternoon to night. Tues and Thurs I have classes ALL DAY LONG starting at 9am to 7 or 8pm at night. Then Friday I have work in the afternoon till the early evening. I have a few projects going on this semester too. A research paper to write, a few projects and presentations, then on my free time self-teach myself german! I am taking a german class now, but its a simple class, so I am pushing myself a little more. THEN on top of all that I have an extra class in psychology that I originally had started when I was in Europe....but really, I am confident I can do this, and it really helps keep my mind off of being away from Germany and Florian a bit. It makes it easier, lets put it that way. I know that what I am doing has a total purpose in it, and it makes me happy every time I think about it!

Anyway, thats about it for now! I should probably update my life on here alot more! Last, but not least to end this blog with some fantastic news that I am very much so looking forward to!!! In about 15 weeks I get to be with my sweetheart again for a couple weeks!!! This is SO incredibly exciting!

Funny Wedding Video of my Friends Wedding!!

My friends wedding.....I just HAVE to show it because its crazy funny!! LOL :D Congrats to Mr. and Mrs. Engstrom!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I3E9U3GDrmI




Hahaha!!!

Adjusting...

Well, I am back in the United States of America. I was on a flight for 12 hours from Duesseldorf, Germany to Los Angeles and was scheduled to fly out on a plane the next morning into Salt Lake City. I was quite lucky though and was able to take the next flight out that night and was moved there for FREE by 2 really nice ladies at United and so I arrived into Salt Lake late late on Sat.
Right away I was able to notice the differences that I went without for so long.
I feel so strange being able to talk to someone and feel confident they understand everything I am saying fluently! I still feel strange when talking to others at a store or something like that.

I must say though, this change is quite sudden for me and I think the reason its so hard is because in my mind and heart I was not ready to come home. I really worked to embrace the European culture because I felt I would not be coming home, at least not for a longer term basis.

In a way, I am glad to be home so I can recover from all the stressful events that happened, yet already there are so many little things that I grew to love and made part of me that conflicts with things where I currently am, but with strength from the Lord, patience, understanding and flexibility I can make it through. I feel so incredibly lost though to be honest. I was struggling a little in Germany as well because I felt that I was in between cultures and discovering my very own. I still feel this way, but I know all of this is to strengthen me in so many ways for the future.

I am going to be going to the temple today in hopes of some added strength and understanding in many areas of my life. I have a tendancy to be impatient, and with recent news I have really suffered in being patient and I get down on myself, the situation, etc. It is something I want to change and make positive and be strengthened because it is what matters the very most to me and I would be lost without it. I know that I am being stretched to the limit and I am determined with all the love I have, with the faith I can be helped and courage to move forward that it will come to pass.

As for being here in Utah, I am so grateful for all my friends and the love and support they offer me. I have had alot of fun being around them and seeing them again after a year.
I will start school this next monday and am looking for a job and I hope that things will be a little smoother in these areas. :) I am excited to start institute up though!!!

I am grateful for my blessing from above and I pray I can live up to the standard I am expected to, otherwise I wouldn't be given these trials.

Grateful for Eternal Families

I woke up this morning with an overwhelming sense of happiness and desire to share how grateful I am for families! I know that some of you reading this may not be part of my religion but I just wish to share how grateful I am for it, especially in how it teaches that families are eternal!! I desire so much to have a strong family bond in my own personal family. A family can help lift one another, teach each other hard lessons but still love each other in the end. I am excited to be my future daughter's best friend! Or to be a strong support and confident for my future son! (I hope I have at least a son and a daughter :D ) I also am excited to be able to teach my children personally and mend them in my own special way without having to worry what others will think or say. (Meaning...I won't be an aupair and have to report into the parents.)
I am so grateful for all that our Heavenly Father has blessed me with, especially the knowledge that families are eternal!

Frankfurt Temple Trip

On Sat. for my last weekend in Germany for a while, I went with the Farrow's to the Frankfurt temple. The temple actually is really nice, just very different from most temples I have been to. The entrance is a little different (if you don't use the front entrance...) but I really liked going to the temple. I felt so much peace there and knew everything would be ok.

We woke up and were on the road by 5.30am!!! SO--- in some of these pictures I look WASTED tired, because I am. :)

Firefighting- Ratingen

I need to update my blog! Lots of things have gone on so I will do the little things now and then when I am back in the U.S. in a week I will write more.

So-- firstly, I was able to join Florian and his brother in their Firefighter activity/practice the other day and it was alot of fun! I really enjoyed seeing what Florian does and I got excited and even wanted to try it once! :) I have alot of respect for these guys and what they do. Here are some pictures of the time I was there! Also, the last picture was probably the best of all! Its not so easy to see but at the end of the practice they had me dress up in the firefighter uniform and stand in front of the firetruck with the unit!! It was so exciting and they will be posting the story on their webpage with Florian writing the information on it! I will post that when it comes up! :D

Fresh Start in Germany

So I thought I would write a seperate blog away from my leave to Switzerland because I really want to emphasize that I really started a new. Since the first day I got here I have felt SO much better about many different things. I can literally feel a little lighter in how I walk, think, and act and its such a relief to be happy again! So far I have been able to spend some time with Florian and his family, and also start to get to know others in church and do some fun activities with them. Well, so far it was only one but it was a great one! We went to another members house for a birthday dinner and it was just some girls and I and it was so much fun. I also have been able to start a little of my studies for school which is another uplifting thing for me. I am catching however that I am getting a little lazy on that so I will take the necessary steps to avoid laziness and set deadlines for myself on it. I am studying Cognitive Psychology right now and really excited to learn more about the brain.

I feel that the balance between my relationship with Florian and everyday life is really going great! I really enjoy going out in the day at times to do my own thing and to see him at home in the evenings. It brings me joy to my heart to see him come home or I come home to him, even if we aren't always trying to spend every min. together once we are home, just being around him makes me feel comfort. I feel our relationship has grown even stronger and will continue to grow and I am so looking forward to the future.

Right now, during the weeks before I join my new host family I am helping out a family in the ward with their kids now and then. They have 3 kids who are very active, and its sometimes a challenge because my body is getting used to relaxation and then its up to taking care of kids again, but I really need the extra money so its no grudge. I also am going to the new host families house to water their plants and mow their lawn while they are in France. I am not sure I have given too much of an update on the new host family. Right now their house is being remodeled and therefore the family has a house in Nice, France and will be staying there for 2 months. I will be joining them on the 15th of July and will stay there for a month, then I will be back with them to Duesseldorf. Time is going by faster than I would like it to, because I really do enjoy living at home close to Florian. I don't have to see him ALL the time but it is such a blessing to come home after a long day to see him. :)

Right now Florian has alot to do for school. He has 8 exams he will have to take in Aug/Sept and its very crucial he passes. If he misses on one class it is a possibility he might not be able to graduate until 2012. Germany has a different set up with school and its very intense compared to American schools. You are able to study a topic here in Germany and you are allowed to fail a test 3 times, but once you do not pass the exam for a third time, you are never allowed to study that topic every again in ALL of Germany!! Well, I pray for him and he will do well in passing his exams, I have confidence in him and he is doing all he can to study for these big events.

Well, thats pretty much it for an update for now, I am so grateful to start a new in this great city and country with amazing people in my life around me. I miss home, yet am starting to really feel comfortable here in Europe.

My Last Days...in Switzerland

Hello one and all!
I am so sorry that I left so many of you hanging from my last blog! I actually thought about posting this today and saw that I had a friend comment that I needed to update, and it is well needed! Let me pick off from where I left off and catch you up to now.
Well, after what seemed to be a long night I woke up in the morning and decided to stay living with the family until my time was done. I think this felt like one of the hardest things I ever had to do, and time didn't seem to go by fast enough. Another 2 weeks and I was done, and already a week before my body seemed so anxious to leave! Overall the family was nice to me, although you could tell that there was distance and a slight awkwardness to the situation. I couldn't leave the house fast enough when the dad was home, as I really wanted to just get out and away from the situation in general. I was lucky though as there were quite a bit of activities I could do such as family home evening, institute, hang with the missionaries once and some other friends and then play piano at the church. It is funny because when I look back at it now, I prayed that the time would go by fast, and it certainly did, only the times I stopped to think of things and then it was slow.

My train ride here was such an amazing one. The missionaries helped me with my bags to the station and onto the train (because they were really heavy!!) I had 3 in all. One giant rolling one, a giant duffle bag and my computer bag. I left a last bag in Switzerland with a friend who will be traveling up to Germany soon so I can grab it from him. Anyway, the train was seriously like a walk through time and into a new chapter in my life. I say that because each place that it traveled through had a very significant memory of my time in Switzerland. It went through an old station that I used to wait ALL the time at in the winter when I was with the first host family, then through Basel where I met all the aupair girls at, then through the station I first arrived into Switzerland for my Nanny experience and through the station I took my first journey into Switzerland on from Germany. After I passed this last station, the stress started to pour off of me. I was so grateful at that moment for so many different things.

First I was grateful I was gone...finally out of a place where I felt lonely. Second, I realized how much I had grown up in this time (10 months) in Switzerland. I had been through some very hard times there, and had to stand up for myself as an adult many times and it made me so strong!! I was convinced and really did a great job at simply leaving all the hard times, rough emotions behind in Switzerland and really start a fresh start here in Germany.

An Interesting Night

Wow...tonight got ugly.....from my host dad. I approached my host mom and apologized for the mix up that took place the last week when they didn't plan my vacation. She was really cool about it and admitted that she forgot completely, etc. I also mentioned if they could pay me weekly (as we don't have a contract...etc so I can be assured I am getting paid.) Well when the host dad came downstairs I approached him to apologize and he went off! He wouldn't let me speak a word and kept telling me not to talk and that he didnt want to talk about it! Finally I got a word in and said this involves me too..and its a big risk to wait till the end to get paid...and then he said loudly that its just a risk I will have to see and take and if I dont want to I can leave now. but Nina spoke up and was like...NO......but well I just left to go downstairs. He then came down and apologised but then got really personal and attacked the fact that I was leaving them just how I did my last family I worked for and all this for a boy I barely know to get married to...etc. and how everything was my fault and now he had to work holidays because of me..etc. Well...anyway needless to say they both emailed me now and are assuring me that I will be paid the full amount at the end of the month. Now the decision is up to me. I know I am a strong girl...and I have had ALOT ALOT ALOT thrown on my shoulders this past week. I got to a point I just thought it was too much to carry and felt SO helpless!! Too much pain and stress that my body just felt horrible. After much praying, fasting...and faith however it is amazing to say how much my burdens have become lighter..I know I am a strong person and I'm sort of leaning on finishing the goal that I originally set! If they do not pay me...its a big lesson I learned...if they do pay me..it will be a blessing as that money is really needed for future events such as travel to utah this fall or german classes. It may seem like the next 13 days will be a black cloud of thick smoke almost unbearable but I can handle it. If they promise to keep their end of the deal I will do my part. Now...this is what I say right now but I will pray about this tonight and see what I feel. Florian and I looked over what they say they owe me and it seems a little screwy that they are ripping me off quite a bit. They say they only owe 644 francs at the end of the month. I just dont know what to do.....let see how I feel in the morning.

Just another tribute to Bryce, I found some awesome videos of him. As you can see he was always the life of the party and I am seriously going to miss him so much.

Bryce's Pants Dance

Chooks

I am seriously going to miss you Bryce. You always made me laugh!!!

By far, this has been the the most challenging weeks I have ever experienced, at least to knowledge. I have had two people who have made such a HUGE impact in my life pass away this week. I would like to pay tribute to both them.

Aunt Pauline

For as far back as I can remember, my Aunt Pauline has been in my life. She was always the one Aunt I was really close to out of all the Aunts and Uncles. She always had a smile on her face and I can hear her laugh clear as day everytime I think about her. She was one of the most selfless people I have ever seen or heard as well. Not only did she take care of an elderly lady overnight, but she took my grandma in and took care of her until my grandma died. She even took in another old lady (super cranky...) while she was taking care of my grandma. But most importantly of all to me, is how she took care of my dad. My dad has Multiple Sclerosis for those who don't know, and he is barely able to get around. He is completely immobile and uses a wheelchair. However as the illness was in its younger stages, my aunt would often take him swimming to help him with his legs and to get him out to do something. She often cooked meals for him and always served him first at family gatherings and such. She also was very active in the LDS church and always serving others there too. I love how I could always just go to her and tell her my problems and always feel comforted by her and her suggestions. I am seriously shocked at the sudden passing of such a wonderful lady, and I am so happy to know that her passing seemed to be quick and peaceful. She was sitting outside in a chair with the mail on her lap and a look of peace on her face. I am also SO glad that she was able to serve the mission she wanted to serve. She went to Tenessee on her mission and got back last October. I know she is going to be such an awesome missionary on the other side as well. I love you "grandma" Aunt Pauline. I will miss you.

Bryce Moss

I truly am saddened by the passing of Bryce. My heart hurts to know that such a loving, funny, and amazing friend has gone too soon. Bryce has always suffered medical problems but despite all those problems he remained positive and always tried to make people smile. I think back to so many different memories with him but the one that sticks out with me the most is how he personally would build on our friendship. I was having a really hard time and he picked me up and drove me to temple square at 10pm where we just sat and talked and looked at the temple. He really knew how to touch others lives and was one of the funniest guys I know. I have moved to and from Salt Lake many times but have always remained such good friends with him since I was 16. Him and I shared so many personal moments about our growing up in life as teenagers and into adulthood. He was such a fighter and I know he is up there strong as ever!

Answered Prayers

This morning I was given the opportunity to listen to a talk by Russell M. Nelson, and was blown away at how my prayers were specifically answered. He really spoke straight to my heart, only I didn't feel like his words were only from him...I felt they were straight from the Lord's mouth. I recently had someone who I loved very dearly pass away. My Aunt Pauline. It's amazing because when I stop to think about her death, for the first time I smile!! I know of the sweet reunion she is experiencing on the other side. She is now with her husband she has been without for almost 10 years, and is joining her mother and father (my grandpa and grandma), which I know without a doubt is such a happy time for them. I am so grateful for this gospel, for the plan we have to know where we can go after this life and what we need to do on this earth for guidance. Although this talk I heard this morning didn't really relate to the passing of my Aunt, other prayers were specifically answered, and this I can testify with President Uchdorf that the Lord does answer every prayer.

My heart is full this morning with the spirit and gratitude for this gospel and the opportunity I have to listen to our apostles and prophets at even the click of a button. I am so grateful for everything I have, even when I have hard times. Its so easy to get caught up in the hard times, yet when you bring the spirit in and really strive to be better, the Lord will help you. He has helped me and will help you! I heard a song also this morning that I wish I could find the lyrics to. Its called "Joy in the Journey" by Julie de Azevedo.

I will try to post it here:

I know this gospel is true, and I am so grateful for the light it brings into my life everyday!

Awakening

"If it ain't broke, don't fix it!"

-- wise words from someone I can't find on the internet 

Instead of writing about the changes I am incorporating into my life, I have decided to post this picture. I guess if I were to write all the feelings and changes I choose to integrate into my life, it would almost seem like I am working to convince myself. I know it will take some time, but just the move alone into Germany will sound waves of improvement. No more excuses.

I have completely changed the look of my blog in representation of my new beginnings, and breaking away from the black and white and integrating color into my life! 

Life this past week

Where to even start this blog....? 

First...the host family. As I predicted........they didn't expect my long vacation this last week....it all started as I was getting dropped off at the airport with a comment of "oh so you are going to Oslo for just the weekend?" ....................long pause............me: "uhhh, no this is the week I have vacation that I asked for a while back"........another long pause........."oh. Does Nina know about this?".....me: "I certainly hope so!"............."well if she knew about this and didn't plan, than its her fault, go ahead and have a good week *smile*" ..................................about 30 min later as I'm sitting at the gate for my flight I get a phone call......................message left for me that I was sneaky and they have a hunch I was keeping it from them this week since I didn't mention anything about leaving....and that they are dissapointed and screwed now for the week and don't have anyone to watch the kids... 

They have known about this vacation over a month before and have been reminded 3 times at least about it and it was written on their calander (which I was told to do) for over a month..

Yes, what a lovely way to start out a week of vacation. And it showed too. I was a wreck all week, even though I really tried to keep my anger, frustration and fear away from others. Unfortunately, i am like an open book. No matter how hard I try not to show my emotions, they just come out in one way or another. It was supposed to be a great and relaxing week. 

I just hate how open I am sometimes about my emotions. It's a curse to always want to talk about my feelings and if not then show them somehow. I have always struggled to find the line between open communication and a little too much information. I have a tendancy to just share everything when some things should just be kept to myself and just not worried about at all. You know, if you share everything you have to someone, you can damage everything with the person you have. Now, I realize I am lucky this time....because Flo is a real trooper and dealt with my uptight, not so nice attitude this week and at the end can still say "I love you, and I will marry you" still.  :D but its still important to be respectful and careful with what I say and do.

I just really want to start to balance my feelings and thoughts and get them organized and dealt with in a healthy way. I really don't know where to "start" persay...but I am going to just pick an area and go with it. I thought about writing more, also meditating and exercising should help. I think organization would help ALOT as well. I think the other thing that will be good is that I will soon be busy with life, unlike I have been in Zuerich or in Germany when I visit so far. This will help ALOT. I make this a priority because my actions affect those whom I love around me. 

As for the week, Flo and I *thanks SO much to Florians help!!* got me registered in Germany as a nanny so I can finally breath a HUGE sigh of legal relief!! :D I am soooooooo glad that this has happened. I finally have a bank account in europe now too!! In Germany,banking is done quite differently, it seems to me... so I have a lot to learn so that is exciting. :)

Another thing that really hit me this week is that I REALLY have to learn german. I say this over and over but I am tired of sitting at the table and everyone else is having conversations and I don't know whats going on, or when I hear my name mentioned and I dont know what the joke is and nobody will translate....its funny but gets to me at the end of the day. SO---its time to get serious. I am carrying my german translation book around everywhere from now on and will try to think more in german and watch as much german as I can on tv etc. 

I have learned this past week (more like the past day) is that when I have fear, the best thing to do is stand even taller and be proud or at least fake confidence until you feel confident. I believe that if you fake it, then it will come faster or better or easier. When you act shy, scared, etc...that leaves more room for others to take advantage of the situation, gives your "power" to the other person (when it might not even be that way...you automatically give it to the other person). This goes for my current situation here in Zurich the next 3 weeks when finishing up this job here. It also goes for german. No matter how shy or scared I am to speak it, I just have to do it loud and proud instead of shy and timid. Who cares if I sound weird or don't say a word right. The language IS hard and I WILL struggle no matter what....but its best to start somewhere and with more confidence. I realize I might need a kick in the butt now and then to remind myself of confidence but overall its soo important to just push through instead of waiting for the approval from someone else to push you. 

Alright, enough rambling on.... :) Wish me luck for the next 2 days....the confrontation with the host family is inevidable. I will prob blog about that after it happends. *ahhh sigh* don't you just love being responsible in this great world as an adult? :D

Off to Dusseldorf

I'm off to D-town to see my wonderful bf for a whole week!!!! I am super excited!! We originally planned to go to Oslo in Norway but decided to cancel so we can save money. I just hope my host family remembers that I am gone the whole week next week. I told them AGES ago and they told me to mark it on the calander and they had those dates saved...I even offered to re-send them the dates but they said no its fine. SO---we will find out later. I dont want to risk them freaking out while I am here haha because whether they like it or not, I'M GOING. :D :D I need a break SOOO bad from these kids and Switzerland and this house. 

SO------I will update later :D and hopefully more pictures will come with Flo and I. :D

xoxoxo

A Good Friend is Hard to Come by

I just have to vent this morning...

WHY is it SO HARD to find a good friend in the world today? Don't take me wrong, if anything most of you who are reading this blog are my good and loyal friends...I'm talking about those who are only there when they need something from you, or who are temporarily interested in you and then decide they want nothing to do with you later on, and I don't mean that only in a "love interest" kinda way..I mean someone who finds your life exciting and then they fall off the earth? Its really sad to see how people can just drop you when you thought they were your good friend. What ever happened to loving, caring, and friendship values?? They are really hard to come by these days. If you are reading this, I am not aiming it towards you, not at all. In fact, I am probably just speaking in a way where you can relate to some of the people in your own life who are just as fickle as some of the people in mine. If you ask me, friends are not disposable. 

I thank you for your love, your kindness, your compassion, and your forgiveness. I love you with all my heart. I experienced a deeper, even more meaningful love than I have ever known existed yesterday. I am lifted up on a daily basis to be better, and I know I can thank you for that. You mean so much to me.

I love you.

Monday Morning

Sitting here, looking at the cursor blinking...it almost feels as if the cursor is shouting at me "type something! what are you waiting for??!".....but my mind grows empty. Of course my mind is racing as usual in thousands of directions with jumbled thoughts, so I thought I would fish one out for you and lay it on here for those to read about my life. 

It's Monday morning, my day off. I hear the buzzer go off upstairs and then silence. Usually Monday is the day that grandma and grandpa come to take care of the kids...and I hear silence. The buzzer goes off again. Finally I crawl out of bed, completely disoriented, clumb up the stairs, up to the buzzer and let them in. Only to discover that it's not grandma and grandpa..its the chimney sweeper. HA so I now get to stay up and hang out with him. :D ...... :P 

Well, its kind of good that I stay up because I was debating on going to the temple early this morning or not. Its about 20 francs one way to get to Bern and well...I think I might just do it. It's my day off, I need some peace in my life and well I get back for free if I stay all day. Oh wait...haha I just looked up when they are open...tough break they are closed Mondays. :D *sigh*

Well, I am still considering going to Bern as it would be nice to go...however what I really think I will do is call ahead and ask for a spot in the Temple hostel and go this friday evening and stay overnight and do baptisms sat. morning. I have this way a chance to go for free if I leave Zurich after 7pm because I have a pass that tells me I can travel wherever I want to in Switzerland for free after 7pm. NICE!! :D I think I am going to start putting this little pass to use the next couple weekends and only stay in hostels or just make a day trip out of things :D I don't know yet. I really need to save my money. Well, for sure though I will go to the temple this Friday/Sat. 

I have LOTS more on my mind right now and I will post more on my other blog of what I learned from my experiences lately. latterdayinsights.blogspot.com

One Step at a Time

This morning I woke up humming a song that I think is very fitting for my situation in my life at this time. 

Jordin Sparks - One Step at a Time

Hurry up and wait
So close, but so far away
Everything that you've always dreamed of
Close enough for you to taste
But you just can't touch

You wanna show the world, but no one knows your name yet
Wonder when and where and how you're gonna make it
You know you can if you get the chance
In your face as the door keeps slamming
Now you're feeling more and more frustrated
And you're getting all kind of impatient waiting

[Chorus:]
We live and we learn to take
One step at a time
There's no need to rush
It's like learning to fly
Or falling in love
It's gonna happen and it's
Supposed to happen and we
Find the reasons why
One step at a time

You believe and you doubt
You're confused, you got it all figured out
Everything that you always wished for
Could be yours, should be yours, would be yours
If they only knew

You wanna show the world, but no one knows your name yet
Wonder when and where and how you're gonna make it
You know you can if you get the chance
In your face as the door keeps slamming
Now you're feeling more and more frustrated
And you're getting all kind of impatient waiting

When you can't wait any longer
But there's no end in sight
when you need to find the strength
It's your faith that makes you stronger
The only way you get there
Is one step at a time

New Start *again* haha

Lately, I have felt the need to be a bit better. It's sort of hard to explain but I think I could just be less lazy and more productive. I mean, I have the kids all day so one can only imagine why I would be lazy in the evenings, but its starting to get to where I am lazy in the day as well. I just sort of sit around all day with the kids and not really do anything productive. Facebook has become more of an addiction now (its horrible....but I will admit it..) and well...there simply is nothing else to do. When I want to take the kids out, it usually ends up being a day from you know where...its already like that here sometimes at the house. Kim won't listen to me now, and its getting worse...and Domi likes to bolt every time I turn around. I must admit though, Dominic seems to be drawing closer to me because the grandpa was here yesterday and Domi started to cry and wouldn't go to anyone else but me. *Interesting* but also heartbreaking. I love these kids so much, even when I get SUPER annoyed with them. Kim came up to me yesterday and made a card and asked if I would write on his card *since he doesn't know how to spell yet..* "I love Rachel very much" 

How cute!! I find it hard being an Aupair sometimes because of this reason, but I also know that this next job will be my last as an Aupair. It's way too hard to leave these kids once they are attached. 

Anyway, back to my laziness issues...I'm not exactly sure how to tackle it. I really believe though that once I move to Germany, there will be no time for laziness. I will be taking german courses 2 times a week, dance school on friday nights and the kids and family on the other days. Then of course will be going to church and if I recieve any callings there as well. I am so excited to be busy like this!! It will be nice. I will be really tired in the beginning, that I am sure of..but once I get the hang of it. There is something I will write about in a later blog (for those of you who don't know what it is...) about the Word of Wisdom and how health is viewed in my religion. It's really great and I think can benefit everyone, not just someone who is LDS or "mormon."  I will post the information later. :) I think if I am following this more, having a set routine of bedtime and activities that my life will be really great! 

As for mental things as well, I plan on ordering my textbook for school soon so I can start working on that! Life is really going to pick up soon. :D

One thing that is hard for me at the moment (even though to some....remaining annonymous ;)...dont think its very hard) but I'm struggling with a decision. When do I leave this current family? I know that I will be joining the family in Germany on the 14th of July but I can leave earlier to head up. This family here wants me to give them more time than 2 months to find an aupair or new solution once I'm gone...but well they have waited at least 5 to 6 months in trying to find a legal situation for me and its still not been done. SO.-- the delimna is...do I still leave early by the 27th of June or wait until the first week of July is over? I want to spend time relaxing, and being with Flo because I will be gone for a whole month to France with the new host family. well..any one want to offer their opinion on this? Its hard because I leave for a week at the beginning of June already for a vacation with Florian so if I left 3 weeks later would that be ok you think? I think thats pushing it but well they havent really made a strong effort anyway. OK well get back to me. :D

Decisions

Here it is, 6.30 am and I'm wide awake. Doesn't matter if I only got 6.5 hours of sleep, well according to my brain but my body says that I need another 4 at least. I have had quite a bit of stress on me lately and its all going to catch up soon. 

I have had alot of decisions to make in the past 2 weeks, and really important ones as well. 

So let me update you on what decisions I have made:

1st, I found a family in Dusseldorf that will take me on to work for them starting in July. 

2nd, I have told my current family my plan last night and it went really well, more than expected. 

3rd, its pretty much said and done. after making such big moves in this area I am sure I am getting married next year. If that doesn't happen, its back to the states for me. 

You know, life is full of choices, and if you just stick to what you know all the time, how is that truly living a full life? I believe that when you have dreams and goals, that you should always push yourself to achieve those and not sit around and live a day to day mediocre life just because it's "normal" or "reality." You have the power to make your dreams reality. As much as I loved Utah and the people, I must say that my dream has always been to live in Europe, and well when I got here, it was hard at times for sure and I have definetly had my homesick moments, but overall I was surprised at how much I really enjoy it over here. Alot of Americans have their "view" on Europe, but I can now say with full confidence that alot of those perceptions are wrong about it here. It really is alot like America here and I'm surprised, especially in Germany. They have SO much from America, people are people just like America only speaking another language. Sure, there are some aspects in the culture that is quite different, but each have the same goal just a different way to approach that. Once you open your eyes and learn that well, thats the beauty of this world, the differences...and when you embrace that is when I believe you truly are living to lifes fullest potential and not being ignorant. 

Making the decisions I have at this time have not been easy, alot of people are involved, yet at the end of the day I MUST create the life that I want to live for myself. It's not meant out of selfishness, its just that I know where I was happy and how I was happy before and I have to honor those feelings. It is absolutely impossible to please everyone with my every choice. Its amazing to see how I have been feeling in making the decisions I have towards Florian and this whole situation. I have included the Lord and my common sense in these decisions and I must admit, out of everything in my life, I have never felt so sure of something before. It's a bit scary sometimes but overall I don't fear. 

Just remember that you are the only person who lives life from your own eyes. Meaning nobody else can live your life like you can and its time you make what you desire. Don't allow anyone to hold you back.

Wilkommen im Deutschland!

This past week/weekend was an interesting one. First, lets start with the bad: 

The host family I am working for right now decided to buy a cat for their kids on wed. only to have their 5 year old let it out the door the very next day. Somehow this is my fault, I disagree, but well the good news is..it came back. They were pretty upset about it, but really, I dont think getting a 5 year old and a 3 year old a cat is really the best thing yet. But alas, what can I say? 

Now for the good stuff: 

While I was in germany, a friend of Florians from his church happened to mention her family she is an aupair for and she is leaving soon in June. Now for some time Flo and I have been trying to decide when and how I would go to Germany. We both have felt that it really is the best thing to move there and as we want to continue our relationship on to marriage, living in the same proximity to the other is the best thing for that! Well, I met with the family ( who is really really great) and everything works out perfectly. It all seemed to fall into place on how and when. Well so: tonight I tell my current host family the situation and tell them I leave Switzerland in late June/ early July and hope thats enough time for them to find a new aupair. I guess it is plently of time for them. I am not sure if they will get angry, etc. but all I can say is: no matter HOW they react I have made my mind up and I will be moving to Germany this year! :D I am SO excited! This opens up so many new and exciting opportunities! I get to be close to Flo, learn how to dance in dance school, go to german school and aupair part time to make some money. It's simply perfect! I will post everyone to let them know how tonight goes with the news being broken. There was no set contract with this family so I would think its fine. and to have 2 months to find a new girl should work in my opinion. :D WISH ME LUCK!!

no...NO...NO!!!

Well, after reading multiple blogs about how people are working to get in shape, etc...etc.. I have decided that it's time to do an experiment myself. It's going to be REALLY hard for me, but I am going to hold to it! My friend (you know who you are ..) even though she is not catholic had a really fun thing going on. In respect for the catholic tradition of witholding from something until Easter time ( I can't remember the term...sorry for those who are catholics reading this...I'm not catholic but I respect what you do :D ) and well my friend did this with sweets. SO....one of my most FAVORITE things in this WHOLE WORLD!!!! ......sweets. I have decided to do without junk food for the WHOLE month of MAY and see how things go. SO: I say no to the following starting at 00:00 also known as 12am to those in the states:

NO Nutella .......*tear!!!*

I love Nutella SO MUCH that I literally could have a bath in it like this lovely lady has demonstrated for us:

and when I really get excited, I get caught with a look like this on my face. Lucky for me I have been able to dodge the camera, unfortunately this fellow has been caught RED HANDED!! or I should say..NUTELLA HANDED!! *shame* poor kid will have a scar for life. 

NO: Cookies

Oh man, my host parents bring home these AMAZING cookies from the states that they sell locally here and they are like AMAZING and well did I mention AMAZING?! I swear they are like addictive, however, I think that about pretty much any horrible thing that is sooo tasty so its prob my own fault.

NO: Soda

I swear, like everything is carbonated here in Europe, even the water. So I am getting to know the faucet real well. 

NO: Mc'Donalds

Oh man, how is it that I have found this as my weakness here in EUROPE too!? oh jeez. I swear I have put on like...2 kilo (not sure what that is in pounds!! can you believe it?! I finally converted to kilos! ahhh!!) but it sucks and I need to stop eating this filth. SO for a WHOLE month its stay away from Ronald. :D

I am really excited to see how this goes. I REALLY have to hang on and stay commited. Those of you who are around me and can read this, help me keep this goal! No matter how much I cry, rant and rave, and go through your normal drug withdrawl symptoms. ;) hehe 

Ok so just to keep tabs: Right now I currently weigh 61 kilos. We will see how it is on May 30th. :D I might check in off and on to tell how its going. 

Tomorrow I am going to Dusseldorf! I am super excited to see Florian!! 

Fear Fighting Gloves

This post is a little strange...but I'm doing it for my own good and nobody else really. I'm sure you can just sympathize with me though. :)

The past couple days I have had some time to think about my life, and the direction I want to take it. In a way I feel kinda lucky because I can see a bit farther down the road now than I used to. Thing is, I have been allowing my fear to run my actions, and I have found something I would like to introduce:

My Fear-Fighting Gloves

So often, and so many times in my life have I allowed myself to be beat down by fear, and miss opportunities or just worry myself to death! I think WAY too much sometimes and its really a curse!! (It's funny because some might say I don't think enough..ha but thats because so many things go in my head at once that I just pick one and do it...) I haven't stepped into a situation or possibility with both feet because of fear that things would go wrong, etc.

My main point in writing this right now is to really emphasize the big step I am taking today. The next year will be a big one, I have ALOT of things to do, alot of fear to fight off, and finally its time to dive in and take the risks and challenges that are coming my way, and I am bringing my fear-fighting gloves. It's time to fight fear, fight for what I want and not allow negative thoughts or fears hold or pull me down. Its not going to be an easy fight, yet when is it ever an "easy" fight against someone? (well ok...if someone is small or weak..but thats not the case here.) I'm ready to punch fear in the face! :D

I am fighting for what I want most, and I finally step into this with both feet and fully give my best.

Trip to the Zoo!

I am surprised I am writing this after all, I am EXHAUSTED because we just got home from the zoo. However, if I don't post it now, I will prob never post info on it. :D :S Today I took Kim to the Zoo. *yay* **cough cough**

THAT KID IS HARD WORK!! First he wants to see only the snakes and gets mad because I am stopping to look at other animals along the way, when we FINALLY get to the snakes he takes a whole 5 seconds to look at ONE snake and wants to leave. :( Well too bad. I was prob mean but I made him look at everything with me. (after all it was 16 francs to get in!!) So we walked around and saw my favorite animals: Tiger, Lions, Seals, and then the usual Elephants, etc. However no giraffes. *weird* Anyway, we were prob gone for about 6 hours so I am REALLY tired. I was really impressed by their layout for the zoo and also just that the animals "atmosphere" that was built for them was really great! Here are some pics of us at the zoo:

Trip to Dusseldorf

So I just got back from Dusseldorf yesterday and I am already missing it up there! I wanted to write a blog about my amazing week up there! I loved every min. I was there!!

When I arrived to Flo's house he took my coat like a gentleman and took my suitcase up to my room while I said hello downstairs. When I went up to my room I was greeted by a VERY pleasant and wonderful surprise. He had 3 long-stem red roses and a letter laying on my bed with the rose petals of one additional rose scattered around on the bed. :D :D :D I was shocked but really blown away! Thing that was even more special was I had told him a while back that I liked getting love letters *blush* and I didn't know that he took me serious. Well he did!! I wasn't allowed to read this letter until my departure, it was SO hard for me not to read it for 9 days!

So the first day I got there, Florian took me to this park where you can walk around this beautiful castle and then these fields and river and flowers, etc. Dusseldorf really is so beautiful with its parks and rivers! It was a really nice walk and we found a bench and watched the sunset and planes from the nearby airport fly by.

Well, the only real downer to my stay was that the first night I got sick!! I am pretty sure I ate something bad, because well that night wasn't the best. I even felt funny the next day as well so we took it easy and went shopping! :D However, halfway through the day I really felt like we should go back home because walking around like that made me feel sick. (BUT!!) before we went home we decided I needed to eat something, so we stopped at McDonalds(really healthy huh?) and we walked to a BEAUTIFUL park around the corner and had a fun little picnic on the grass.

On one of the days I was up there it was alot of fun to go to downtown Ratingen and have ice cream with his family. They serve ice cream big over here and I have pictures :) I couldn't eat it all!

Florian, Desiree, and Emanuel

I also went and got my hair cut! That was so nice as I havent had it touched for 7 months so it was just a nice cut to shape it a bit, no color. It is really nice and I will post some actual photos of it being done up.

One of the highlights of being up there was Flo and I went to Cologne!! (finally!) We have been saying that we would go to Cologne everytime I have been up there and we never do (because I usually take a while to get ready...hehe) Well it was beautiful! The city had a certain cloudy haze to it, but the sun was still shining and we had a great time. We walked upstairs to the "Dom" which is a famous cathedral in Cologne. I have some pictures of us at the top. We then had lunch at....KFC!! Even though in the states I used to think it was the grosest place ever, I was SO happy to sit down and eat an american meal! Afterwards we walked around the shops and then went and sat next to the Rhine river which was very nice.

After climbing a CRAP load of stairs!!

Another highlight was our spontaneous trip to the Netherlands. We were hoping to go see the tulips blooming but we just went to a near town called "Venlo" and just hung out there. It was a nice little town and we ran into some friends from Florians ward.

There were so many good times we had while I was there and I am just naming a few of them. I can't tell you enough how much I love to be around Florian and how we lift each other up. It doesnt feel like a constant need to perform or say something all the time, but simply being around him makes me happy. We laugh about so much and yet can have a spiritual or theoretical conversation about anything. Another thing he did for me while I was in the bathroom getting ready for the day one day, he took another rose and spread it on my bed with a little love note on it. :D

Well we are looking at a couple weeks from now for the next visit and then....we go to Norway at the end of May! I am so excited! :D