An Interesting Night

Wow...tonight got ugly.....from my host dad. I approached my host mom and apologized for the mix up that took place the last week when they didn't plan my vacation. She was really cool about it and admitted that she forgot completely, etc. I also mentioned if they could pay me weekly (as we don't have a contract...etc so I can be assured I am getting paid.) Well when the host dad came downstairs I approached him to apologize and he went off! He wouldn't let me speak a word and kept telling me not to talk and that he didnt want to talk about it! Finally I got a word in and said this involves me too..and its a big risk to wait till the end to get paid...and then he said loudly that its just a risk I will have to see and take and if I dont want to I can leave now. but Nina spoke up and was like...NO......but well I just left to go downstairs. He then came down and apologised but then got really personal and attacked the fact that I was leaving them just how I did my last family I worked for and all this for a boy I barely know to get married to...etc. and how everything was my fault and now he had to work holidays because of me..etc. Well...anyway needless to say they both emailed me now and are assuring me that I will be paid the full amount at the end of the month. Now the decision is up to me. I know I am a strong girl...and I have had ALOT ALOT ALOT thrown on my shoulders this past week. I got to a point I just thought it was too much to carry and felt SO helpless!! Too much pain and stress that my body just felt horrible. After much praying, fasting...and faith however it is amazing to say how much my burdens have become lighter..I know I am a strong person and I'm sort of leaning on finishing the goal that I originally set! If they do not pay me...its a big lesson I learned...if they do pay me..it will be a blessing as that money is really needed for future events such as travel to utah this fall or german classes. It may seem like the next 13 days will be a black cloud of thick smoke almost unbearable but I can handle it. If they promise to keep their end of the deal I will do my part. Now...this is what I say right now but I will pray about this tonight and see what I feel. Florian and I looked over what they say they owe me and it seems a little screwy that they are ripping me off quite a bit. They say they only owe 644 francs at the end of the month. I just dont know what to do.....let see how I feel in the morning.

Just another tribute to Bryce, I found some awesome videos of him. As you can see he was always the life of the party and I am seriously going to miss him so much.

Bryce's Pants Dance

Chooks

I am seriously going to miss you Bryce. You always made me laugh!!!

By far, this has been the the most challenging weeks I have ever experienced, at least to knowledge. I have had two people who have made such a HUGE impact in my life pass away this week. I would like to pay tribute to both them.

Aunt Pauline

For as far back as I can remember, my Aunt Pauline has been in my life. She was always the one Aunt I was really close to out of all the Aunts and Uncles. She always had a smile on her face and I can hear her laugh clear as day everytime I think about her. She was one of the most selfless people I have ever seen or heard as well. Not only did she take care of an elderly lady overnight, but she took my grandma in and took care of her until my grandma died. She even took in another old lady (super cranky...) while she was taking care of my grandma. But most importantly of all to me, is how she took care of my dad. My dad has Multiple Sclerosis for those who don't know, and he is barely able to get around. He is completely immobile and uses a wheelchair. However as the illness was in its younger stages, my aunt would often take him swimming to help him with his legs and to get him out to do something. She often cooked meals for him and always served him first at family gatherings and such. She also was very active in the LDS church and always serving others there too. I love how I could always just go to her and tell her my problems and always feel comforted by her and her suggestions. I am seriously shocked at the sudden passing of such a wonderful lady, and I am so happy to know that her passing seemed to be quick and peaceful. She was sitting outside in a chair with the mail on her lap and a look of peace on her face. I am also SO glad that she was able to serve the mission she wanted to serve. She went to Tenessee on her mission and got back last October. I know she is going to be such an awesome missionary on the other side as well. I love you "grandma" Aunt Pauline. I will miss you.

Bryce Moss

I truly am saddened by the passing of Bryce. My heart hurts to know that such a loving, funny, and amazing friend has gone too soon. Bryce has always suffered medical problems but despite all those problems he remained positive and always tried to make people smile. I think back to so many different memories with him but the one that sticks out with me the most is how he personally would build on our friendship. I was having a really hard time and he picked me up and drove me to temple square at 10pm where we just sat and talked and looked at the temple. He really knew how to touch others lives and was one of the funniest guys I know. I have moved to and from Salt Lake many times but have always remained such good friends with him since I was 16. Him and I shared so many personal moments about our growing up in life as teenagers and into adulthood. He was such a fighter and I know he is up there strong as ever!

Answered Prayers

This morning I was given the opportunity to listen to a talk by Russell M. Nelson, and was blown away at how my prayers were specifically answered. He really spoke straight to my heart, only I didn't feel like his words were only from him...I felt they were straight from the Lord's mouth. I recently had someone who I loved very dearly pass away. My Aunt Pauline. It's amazing because when I stop to think about her death, for the first time I smile!! I know of the sweet reunion she is experiencing on the other side. She is now with her husband she has been without for almost 10 years, and is joining her mother and father (my grandpa and grandma), which I know without a doubt is such a happy time for them. I am so grateful for this gospel, for the plan we have to know where we can go after this life and what we need to do on this earth for guidance. Although this talk I heard this morning didn't really relate to the passing of my Aunt, other prayers were specifically answered, and this I can testify with President Uchdorf that the Lord does answer every prayer.

My heart is full this morning with the spirit and gratitude for this gospel and the opportunity I have to listen to our apostles and prophets at even the click of a button. I am so grateful for everything I have, even when I have hard times. Its so easy to get caught up in the hard times, yet when you bring the spirit in and really strive to be better, the Lord will help you. He has helped me and will help you! I heard a song also this morning that I wish I could find the lyrics to. Its called "Joy in the Journey" by Julie de Azevedo.

I will try to post it here:

I know this gospel is true, and I am so grateful for the light it brings into my life everyday!

Awakening

"If it ain't broke, don't fix it!"

-- wise words from someone I can't find on the internet 

Instead of writing about the changes I am incorporating into my life, I have decided to post this picture. I guess if I were to write all the feelings and changes I choose to integrate into my life, it would almost seem like I am working to convince myself. I know it will take some time, but just the move alone into Germany will sound waves of improvement. No more excuses.

I have completely changed the look of my blog in representation of my new beginnings, and breaking away from the black and white and integrating color into my life! 

Life this past week

Where to even start this blog....? 

First...the host family. As I predicted........they didn't expect my long vacation this last week....it all started as I was getting dropped off at the airport with a comment of "oh so you are going to Oslo for just the weekend?" ....................long pause............me: "uhhh, no this is the week I have vacation that I asked for a while back"........another long pause........."oh. Does Nina know about this?".....me: "I certainly hope so!"............."well if she knew about this and didn't plan, than its her fault, go ahead and have a good week *smile*" ..................................about 30 min later as I'm sitting at the gate for my flight I get a phone call......................message left for me that I was sneaky and they have a hunch I was keeping it from them this week since I didn't mention anything about leaving....and that they are dissapointed and screwed now for the week and don't have anyone to watch the kids... 

They have known about this vacation over a month before and have been reminded 3 times at least about it and it was written on their calander (which I was told to do) for over a month..

Yes, what a lovely way to start out a week of vacation. And it showed too. I was a wreck all week, even though I really tried to keep my anger, frustration and fear away from others. Unfortunately, i am like an open book. No matter how hard I try not to show my emotions, they just come out in one way or another. It was supposed to be a great and relaxing week. 

I just hate how open I am sometimes about my emotions. It's a curse to always want to talk about my feelings and if not then show them somehow. I have always struggled to find the line between open communication and a little too much information. I have a tendancy to just share everything when some things should just be kept to myself and just not worried about at all. You know, if you share everything you have to someone, you can damage everything with the person you have. Now, I realize I am lucky this time....because Flo is a real trooper and dealt with my uptight, not so nice attitude this week and at the end can still say "I love you, and I will marry you" still.  :D but its still important to be respectful and careful with what I say and do.

I just really want to start to balance my feelings and thoughts and get them organized and dealt with in a healthy way. I really don't know where to "start" persay...but I am going to just pick an area and go with it. I thought about writing more, also meditating and exercising should help. I think organization would help ALOT as well. I think the other thing that will be good is that I will soon be busy with life, unlike I have been in Zuerich or in Germany when I visit so far. This will help ALOT. I make this a priority because my actions affect those whom I love around me. 

As for the week, Flo and I *thanks SO much to Florians help!!* got me registered in Germany as a nanny so I can finally breath a HUGE sigh of legal relief!! :D I am soooooooo glad that this has happened. I finally have a bank account in europe now too!! In Germany,banking is done quite differently, it seems to me... so I have a lot to learn so that is exciting. :)

Another thing that really hit me this week is that I REALLY have to learn german. I say this over and over but I am tired of sitting at the table and everyone else is having conversations and I don't know whats going on, or when I hear my name mentioned and I dont know what the joke is and nobody will translate....its funny but gets to me at the end of the day. SO---its time to get serious. I am carrying my german translation book around everywhere from now on and will try to think more in german and watch as much german as I can on tv etc. 

I have learned this past week (more like the past day) is that when I have fear, the best thing to do is stand even taller and be proud or at least fake confidence until you feel confident. I believe that if you fake it, then it will come faster or better or easier. When you act shy, scared, etc...that leaves more room for others to take advantage of the situation, gives your "power" to the other person (when it might not even be that way...you automatically give it to the other person). This goes for my current situation here in Zurich the next 3 weeks when finishing up this job here. It also goes for german. No matter how shy or scared I am to speak it, I just have to do it loud and proud instead of shy and timid. Who cares if I sound weird or don't say a word right. The language IS hard and I WILL struggle no matter what....but its best to start somewhere and with more confidence. I realize I might need a kick in the butt now and then to remind myself of confidence but overall its soo important to just push through instead of waiting for the approval from someone else to push you. 

Alright, enough rambling on.... :) Wish me luck for the next 2 days....the confrontation with the host family is inevidable. I will prob blog about that after it happends. *ahhh sigh* don't you just love being responsible in this great world as an adult? :D