Really Deep Thoughts..

Every time I get to this point.....(right here, the beginning of writing my blog), I become overwhelmed with all that is built up inside of my mind, that I usually decide to close the window and try another day. However, as I wait another day, and another day, it gets even more built up....so I will now attempt to give you a glimpse of what is going on in Rachel's head. so now...is the part where I have to try to sort out what I will talk about first.

Well I changed my background on my blog because it has somewhat of a significant meaning to me. First of all, it is a girl looking up into the stars (as I would like to say heaven). If you notice, to me it seems that she is either praying, pleading, working on compromising with heaven or at least trying to gain an understanding of what heaven wants her to know. Wow, I sure can relate.

I often catch myself in moments where I am overwhelmed with happiness and awe in the fact that I am living my dream of actually living in Europe! I have wanted to live here at least since I was 16 years old. Something about the European lifestyle and people intrigued me. And even more specific, the Germanic culture. While I am in these surreal moments, another feeling starts to creep in, and its one that is almost overwhelmingly avoidable no matter how hard I try to escape from it. I start to feel alone. Is this just an insecurity that I need to overcome? After all, I am a pretty Independent person...why would I feel alone in a dream world? The answer to this question is one that takes soul searching to find. It isn't easy looking within yourself to find the answers, and in today's society it is easy to look outside ourselves for the answers. Maybe because I am in a country where my mother language isn't spoken all too often, so it leaves one to already have a small barrier between being able to express myself personably to others around me. For example, so many times have I wanted to strike up a conversation with people on the train. On many occasions I felt that someone sitting across from me needed my personal touch to help lighten their day, or even life in general. That might sound a little arrogant but I cannot even begin to tell you how strongly I felt this way and when I get off the train and still see them staring out the window as the train rolls away that I failed at helping that one person.
I guess I am really starting to recognize that those things that helped me be happy on a deeper level in America was my ability to help someone smile or even know that I made an impact in someones life for the better. This is something I am determined to do before I leave Europe, is strengthen my language and culture understandings of those around me so I can be involved in them.
So back to my original statement about my blog....I feel like this girl from time to time. Wanting to understand my purpose here, compromise with heaven for help, and work on really growing into myself.