Feeling a little Baffled in the Moment

I just need a place to rant this time.

When will my life begin? Most say, it already has begun, but for me...I feel very stuck in place. The repetitive questions that keep poping into my mind are the:

1. What do you want to do for a career in your life?
2. What kind of traits do you want to have?
3. Which particular crafts / hobbies do you want to learn or improve?
4. Where am I going (physically)?
5. When can I feel that I have a good start?

Its just funny because I feel sometimes that the only way I can figure it out is when I have answered question #1. But then I realize, that question is influenced by question #2....and so on..
You know how there are just those people who seem to have it all together? The kind who just know what they want to do for a career in life, the ones who have their tastes in genere's and hobbies already? Sometimes, I feel as if I envy them. I am always catching myself, wondering 'Is that something I like?'

Maybe the reasoning for all these questions are simply because I am a little stuck in the moment. I am moving in October, and yet I can't do a single thing where I am going to yet and well...to put it blunt, there isn't much more for me to do here anymore either. I'm not working, just sitting and waiting for the time to pass by. It is excruciating sometimes.
Well and if that wasnt complicated enough, this trying to get the marriage in balance thing is still hard for me sometimes. I have a husband who has his own interests, needs and desires for his life and its important that we dont do all what I want to do without thinking of him too. That is really hard for me sometimes, I will admit. Oh, the curses of being an only child....

But I am learning. I have to seek out for the learning, and I'm not so great at that too often, but when I do I feel liberated! I know I need to simply try as I wrote before, but trying at something that isnt really decided is kinda hard. So the question really is, where should I start?

Today's Daily: The Need to Try

So, as many of you know, I am participating in a Intensive German course that lasts all morning until 1pm. At first, I was really hesitant in going because it is such a big amount of time in my day, but I have been pleasantly surprised thus far. Today was the 3rd day in the course, and we studied on grammar. There was in particular one read that was talking about how technology has advanced in today's society and that the average person has more free time for dinner, etc. than 30 years ago. After reading this, we all discused how we felt about the topic and started to have a real culture sharing experience. I really loved this moment. We discussed how Americans work so much, how the Germans enjoy their holidays, and how each country values the opinions of others.

Half-way through the course we took a break and all of us proceeded to go outside to enjoy the little amount of sun we have left. This was the moment that I recognized my need to try. Here we were, standing in a small group, and everybody was scared to interact with one another. It was then that I recognized my habit of holding back, being scared and turning inward. But someone broke the ice! I was so thankful when the lady next to me started to talk about what I was wearing that day and it was then that I decided to simply speak! Just speak my mind, and try to trust myself that I could communicate my feelings with the German I have. I was so surprised at how much more I know than I thought. We all chit chatted the rest of the time we were in class and it made things so much more fun and interesting! We even had intense discussions about politics, cultures, family life, etc. I felt that at that very moment, when someone felt the need to try, it opened so many doors of communication and friendships.

What made this experience even more special and interesting was around 11pm. A random girl who comes to the classes, never participates, and looks as if she hates every second she is in the room with us came to class. She sat there and it felt like a cold brick of ice next to me. She didnt want to try, and I realized then how important it is to try in this world.

Now, I realize the word 'try' is always beat up for its definition. That famous line from our favourite Star Wars character 'There is no try, only do.' is true! What I believe personally however is that each and everyone of us needs to gain the desire to attempt what seems at the moment the impossible! That is what trying means to me. You leap out of your comfort zone, and you reap something from that.

Diversity

Well there, it has been ages since I last blogged on this blog. As I was walking home from my German course today, I had a thought to start up my blog again. For the longest time, I really felt like I had nothing to write about. I mean, yeah we are moving back to the states, but I never really felt like more than the facts could be talked about... but after my experiences in the last few days, I realize I have lots to talk about.

Every day it is my goal to ponder about something fascinating or interesting and then share my insight on the topic. Today is diversity.

I had something quite interesting happen to me yesterday in particular. It was my first day in my German-Intensiv class, and -as usual- we all had to go around the room introducing ourselves. The first person was from Poland and the next out of the Phillipeans. How interesting! Then, the next came as a swift and stern realization as she announced she was from Iraq. Then, it was my turn. How ironic that the two countries who are battling it out right now (worldwide known) ended up sitting right next to one another in that tiny, muggy classroom.
Now, here is the kicker! - She is trying to get the kind of job I have been dispising since I have been in Germany, and she has no idea how to do it.

So, in my way of extending my hand to her, not only as a person, but also in a way as a country or culture, is to help her find her way in this field. So, today I sat next to her again and she is really a sweet girl. She is a mother of 2 children and recently moved to Düsseldorf. I have been assisting her in class and something that I consider a great wall breaker, is that we are now speaking the informal 'you' in German. We are friends! I find this so ironic that this happened the day after the 10th year anniversary of the 9/11 attacks. God truly is helping us mend our wounds.

I am so proud to be an American, and I am so proud that I was raised to love one another, regardless of race, gender, or culture. I appreciate this beautiful woman from Iraq, and I hope this has helped her view improve a little better of America and what we truly stand for.

Oh- and to add a little spice to the pot, I learned today that one other girl in our class is from Afghanistan. Wow, I have some work to do!